Hurricane recovery for the mind and soul

Bonnie, Charley, Frances, Ivan, and Jeanne (above) have come and gone - and who knows who else will visit our poor little peninsula this season. We need a break, and a bit of humor will help us all recovery and get a new perspective on life. Here are some of the better funnies and inspirational pieces that have winged my way over the last several weeks -

After last years hurricane season, the National Hurricane Center has decided to reclassify hurricane categories and give them a nickname as well. Here they are:

The New Hurricane Categories:

Category 1: "Wussy." Street signs blow over, bushes and shrubs are damaged, and housecats meow slightly more loudly. Plan for these storms by duct taping your shrubs, and shaking your fist triumphantly at Mother Nature for throwing such a weak-wussy storm at you.

Category 2: "Mildly Alarming." Houses moan, some of the sicker looking trees may fall over, shingles blow off, small children complain. Planning: duct tape all the sick trees you may have on your property, as well as duct taping X-es on your windows. This lets the wind know not to blow the glass in. Purchase bottled water, before everyone else snaps it up.

Category 3: "Deeply Frightening." Houses collapse, mobile homes cease to exist in any normal functioning sense of the word, healthy trees surrender. Planning: duct tape everything on your property, including the dog. Buy plywood and nail it over the windows-- after first duct taping X-es over the glass. Purchase bottled water and prepare for long hot nights without air conditioning.

Category 4: "Holy Cow." Buildings fall, cars fly through the air, walls bleed, large sea mammals are carried several miles inland, entire regions disappear completely. Planning: Cover your entire house with duct tape X-es to try and fool the hurricane into thinking the whole place is a gigantic window. Nail as much wood as you can find to the outside of the duct tape. Lock yourself and your family and dog in the basement with the bottled water and bleach, and maybe some canned goods, a portable generator, and a gun to ward off looters in the apocalyptic aftermath that is sure to follow.

Category 5: "The End Of The World." All trace of humanity is picked up several yards into the air and converted into bite-sized pieces, the Biblical leviathan surfaces from the depths, hell rises up and swallows mankind whole. Planning: forget the duct tape. Get into the basement and make peace with God.

30 Things hurricanes can teach you.

1. An oak tree on the ground looks four times bigger than it did standing up.

2. Even after all these years it is still nice to spend time with Col. Mustard in the ballroom with the lead pipe.

3. When house hunting look for closets with lots of leg room.

4. Water from the shower is much colder than water from the kitchen sink--and tastes just as bad.

5. AA, C and D are the only letters of the alphabet we need (batteries)

6. The four-way stop is still an ingenious reflection of civility.

7. Radio can be the best way to watch television.

8. Chain-saw wielding men are nothing to be afraid of.

9. Mini van's are the best makeshift tents on the market.

10. You can use your washing machine as a cooler.

11. It's your right to sit on your back porch and eat Chinese takeout by candlelight in your underwear.

12. We shouldn't complain about "useless" tools in the garage-- we actually DO need a generator

13 You can' t spell "priceless" without I-C-E.

14. Downed power lines make excellent security systems.

15. Lakes can generate waves.

16. Gasoline is a value at any price

17. Cell phones: Breaking up isn't hard to do.

18. The life blood of any disaster recovery is Caffeine

19. The need for your dog to go out and take care of business is inversely proportional to the severity of the storm.

20. Candlelight is better than Botox--- it takes years off your appearance

21. Air Conditioning: Best Invention Ever. Period.

22. Water is a comfort food. But 3-day-old Cheetos are too.

23. Shadow animals on the wall---still fun.

24. No matter how hard the wind blows, roadside campaign signs will survive.

25. You should never admit to having power at your house in the presence of co-workers or neighbors, who do not.

26. There's a plus to having NOTHING in the refrigerator.

27. Getting thro ugh the day should be an Olympic event.

28. The movie theater can be a most pleasant place, even if the feature is Alien vs. Predator

29. Somebody's got it worse.

30. Somebody's got it better. Obviously, they're getting preferential treatment.

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows)

9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)

8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores

7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"

6. Family coming to stay with you

5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling

4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities

3. Days off from work

2. Candles

And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ...

At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

Humor about Frances from Indiana - "It's nice to see that some Floridians have kept their sense of humor."

Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.

No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work without electricity.

My car gets 23.21675 miles per gallon, EXACTLY (you can ask the people in line who helped me push it).

Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller in their hand.

He who has the biggest generator wins.

Women can actually survive without doing their hair.

A new method of non-lethal torture -- cold showers

There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.

TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful.

A 7 lb bag of ice will chill six 12-oz Budweiser's to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14 pound turkey frozen for 8 more hours.

There are a lot of damn trees around here.

Flood plane drawings on some mortgage documents were seriously wrong.

Contrary to most beliefs, speed limits on roads without traffic lights does not increase.

Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is definitely not required.

Just because you're 40 doesn't mean you can stay out as late as you want. At least that's what the cops said during a curfew stop.

Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators.

People will get into a line that has already formed without having any idea what the line is for.

When required, a Lincoln Continental will float; it doesn't steer well, but it floats just the same.

Some things do keep the mailman from his appointed rounds.

Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the battery remains charged.

27 of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you, and they are quick to point that out!

Hampers can only contain a certain amount of clothes
If I had a store that sold only ice, chain saws, gas and generators...I'd be rich.

Your waterfront property can quickly become someone else's fishing hole.

Tree service companies are under appreciated
I learned what happens when you make fun of another state's blackout.

MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30% higher electric bill ?????

Drywall is a compound word, take away the 'dry" part and its worthless.

I can walk a lot farther than I thought.

The only good thing about not having telephones -- you haven't had a call from a telemarketer lately, have you?

Hurricane Test - Because many school calendars will be shortened by hurricanes, here's a copy of the Hurricane test being proposed to replace the FCAT. Enjoy!

1. How are hurricane's names selected?
a. Named after Congressmen who are full of hot air
b. Names of spouses are submitted by divorced people
c. Page 824 in Miami's phone book
d. Hurricanes don't care what you call them

2. What do they call the most severe hurricane?
a. Category 5
b. Red Alert
c. Costly
d. HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

3. If a hurricane Guido with wind speeds of 104 MPH leaves the Northwest African coast on Wednesday at 7:04 AM and is traveling West at 16 MPH and hurricane Isabel with wind speeds of 93 MPH leaves Key West at 24 MPH on Thursday at 11:32 AM, when would they meet?
a. Tuesday at 3:18 PM, but their luggage would be in Paris
b. Never, Isabel doesn't want to have anything to do with a blowhard like Guido
c. Never, Guido said that there's no place for Isabel to stop and ask directions; she'll probably end up in Rio
d. Trick question - hurricanes don't depart from Key West

4. You're flying in a small, single engine plane. You look up and see a hurricane directly ahead. What's the first thing you think?
a. It's got the right of way! It's got the right of way!
b. This is the last time I fly no-frills.
c. I can't believe she's going to get EVERYTHING now!
d. I gotta change my shorts!

5. A hurricane is dangerous if...
a. you get in it's way
b. it's had a REALLY bad day
c. you try to stop it to ask directions
d. you do not yield right of way

6. How do forecasters know a hurricane is coming?
a. Hurricanes ALWAYS leave a forwarding address
b. They have REALLY good binoculars
c. Hurricanes LOVE the beach
d. They send out a bunch of small boats and plot the sinkings
7. How can you protect your house in the event of a hurricane?
a. Sell it - QUICK
b. Bury it and dig it up later
c. Cover it with leaves and pretend it's a big bush
d. Duct tape

8. What is the first thing you should do if a hurricane is confirmed to be heading in your direction?
a. Check your supplies for the big hurricane party
b. Air drop a roadmap into the eye, of another area
c. Put out all your trash for immediate air disposal
d. Begin drawing plans for the new house you will soon be building

9. What should you NOT do if a hurricane is coming?
a. Begin those remodeling plans you've been putting off
b. Put the cat or dog out (unless on a LONG leash)
c. Cancel your homeowner's insurance
d. Go on a picnic, to the beach

10. When is it a good time to evacuate your home?
a. When the water level reaches the roof
b. When your in-ground swimming pool becomes airborne
c. Shortly after your roof is declared a UFO
d. When people ask how you constructed a home without outer walls

11. Where should you evacuate?
a. A nearby lowland to wait out the floods
b. A tall location, like on top of a radio tower or Florida's mountains
c. Anywhere that has a happy hour and free munchies
d. Out to sea on a small craft

12. Why should you not stay close to the beach
a. All the best spots are probably taken
b. Track in too much sand
c. Cooler keeps blownin' away
d. Hard to stay put under the 50' waves

13. If the eye of the hurricane passes overhead, you should not...
a. stare; it's impolite
b. make direct eye contact
c. offer it some Visine
d. ask if it's seen Dorothy and Toto

14. What happens after the eye passes?
a. Stay very still; maybe it didn't see you
b. It can't see you any more
c. You can expect the nose, followed by the mouth, etc.d. It winks and waves good-bye

15. What should you do first after a hurricane passes?
a. Locate your computer
b. Determine if your computer is operational
c. Contact your insurance agent about replacing your computer
d. See if your spouse, kids and pets are around; get back to your computer

16. Who should you turn to if you need help after a hurricane?
a. Local government (also blown away)
b. State government (can't afford to help)
c. Federal government (doesn't care)
d. Foreign governments (the Japanese are looking for investments)

17. What services should you expect to be without after a hurricane?
a. Electricity (no cold beer)
b. Telephone (no modem)
c. Your computer!! (Eeeeeaaaaahhh!)
d. Call girls/guys (prey the rebuilding begins soon)

18. What happens a year after you're hit by a hurricane?
a. Still looking for pieces of your house
b. Still looking for pieces of your computer
c. Still looking for pieces of yourself
d. The government sees you've started rebuilding; concludes you need no emergency help

NASA reported that a three-mile-wide asteroid came within a million miles of striking Earth Wednesday. It was large enough to cause global devastation if it hit the planet.

Without even being told, Florida residents boarded up their ceilings.

You might be a Floridian if.....

You have more than 20 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.

The freezer in your garage is full of homemade ice.

You flinch when you are introduced to a person named Charley, Frances, Ivan or Jeanne.

You find yourself dropping words like "millibar" and "convection" into everyday conversation.

Your pantry contains more than 10 cans of Spaghetti-os.

Making coffee on your propane grill does not seem like an odd thing to do.

You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.

When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one safe place.

You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.

You are delighted to pay $2 for a gallon of unleaded.

The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.

You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.

You have the number for FEMA on your speed dialer.

You own more than three large coolers.

You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it.

Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.

You catch a 5-pound catfish. In your driveway.

You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy.

At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chain saw.

You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.

There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.

You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather Channel.

Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.

Ice is a valid topic of conversation.

Relocating to North Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.

Gov. Jeb Bush held a special news conference in Tallahassee today to inform the people of Florida of new state symbols. The changes take effect immediately and must be implemented by all official agencies.

The new State tree will be any that are left standing at the end of hurricane season

However, keep in mind, that Disney will be the "last man standing" as they are up and running